TALES OF HORROR!!!! We're Talking Online Dating...
Well, it's been a couple of days since I posted about The Queen and your messages of support did indeed help me get through the post-traumatic stress I had reliving that all over again...
That being said I thought I would switch subjects and get to posting about online dating. If you google online dating you'll find I'm not the first to write about this subject and I probably won't be the last, but I thought I would give a little perspective to my experience, not just in Anchorage, with online dating.
I've found online dating almost to be like a Seinfeld episode - by that I mean there are all sorts of little quirks and rules in this world that people that aren't online probably may not really know about, but end up being kind of funny.
The first of these get right down to the very first thing people notice on your profile (because we can all be a little shallow sometimes) - your picture. Usually people are fairly accurate with their pictures - I mean, we all like to put our best foot forward so people tend to put their more flattering pictures up, but most of the time I can actually ID someone I've made a date with online and I'm not...disappointed. Despite all of that, however, do keep in mind there is room for standard variations in both what your pictures make you look like and what people perceive you looking like and it all depends on a variety of factors. For instance, I've been described as the following four things by friends and enemies alike:
Yep, some people think I kind of look like Matt Damon, other people say I look like a monkey, some say Ron Perlman, and yet others think I kind of look like a penguin (in both a good and a bad way).
Now, with that being said there was at least one time where there was blatant "false advertising" on one of my adventures in online dating.
To caveat this I just want to say that I'm really not that picky when it comes to women (my roommate can attest to that) and how they look. There has to be chemistry of course and I would say I've dated girls of all shapes, looks, and, ahem, sizes. Some of the best women I know will never be found on the cover of Maxim, but look great and are just great people in general. Besides, I would much rather date them than some size zero bar woman with no personality. So really the message is just to put yourself out there as you are and have fun, putting false pictures of yourself (for example, you've gained/lost 200 pounds, lost an eye, or shaved your head) will just show that you're dishonest and insecure to whoever you're trying to date.
To put it bluntly there's a difference between this:
and this...
Or, for that matter this...
and this...
(As a sidebar, my roommate is disagreeing with my choice for George Clooney as my example of an attractive guy - as he says, "You have no taste in men...")
So, once you get past the ever important picture (which, talking to some women I know that are online daters is sometimes the only thing that some men and some women look at) some people might actually read your profile and make their dating choice based on what you write about yourself and maybe even how you write it.
Here are some things I look out for when reading profiles (not necessarily in priority order)...
1.) Grammar - I know, it's kind of anal, but I would like to have my date have the requisite intelligence to form a coherent sentence correctly. I'm not going to judge anyone on the incorrect use of an adverb or anything, but just take some time and do at least one proofreading of the stuff you're putting out there.
For example, this...
"Hi, I'm ___________ and I'm just looking for a nice guy. I'm really tired of the bar scene here in Anchorage and all the losers that try and hit on me downtown. At the end of the day I want a nice, stable man who knows how to take care of a woman and shares some of my interests - hiking, dogs, reading, biking, cooking, and dancing."
is better than this...
"Waasup! I'm _____________ and you know, I just bee chillin on here trying to find me a GOOD MAN! All deez lil bitches up here dont now hows to take care of a REAL WOMAN like I. So, if ur hot, not a loser, adn wanna have some FUN hit me up and well see if I like you to."
2.) Outlook and statements on their profile - as you can probably gather I've been scarred and I'm scared by the women of Anchorage. Despite all of that I still have a sunny outlook when it comes to dating - I'm still confident that I might find a special someone in this town and while I might go into my dates a bit more wary - I'm still open to letting myself fall in with another person. Not everyone shares this sunny outlook, however. Also, there are differences in what people are looking for - some are just dipping their toe in the pool of online dating, and some are taking the high dive into the deep end. And I'm a believer that you can gauge a lot of things by just reading someone's statement and really analyzing it. For example, if a person says they're an introvert just looking for a nice person and all their pictures are of them doing body shots, dancing on bars, and other crazy stuff they may not be telling you the truth.
3.) Activity Level - many sites allow you to see if someone has been active in the last day, 3 days, week, month, etc. Combined with some other observations derived from a person's profile there's a chance you can tell their interest level in you, other people, and other things.
There are a whole host of other things you might be able to gather from specific websites based on options they offer and questions they ask, but picture, grammar, statements on the profile, and activity level can tell you a lot of things about a person.
Once you get past the profiles you might start talking with someone (or they start talking with you if you share my policy of not putting yourself too far out there online). E-mailing back and forth I would say is the equivalent of talking on the phone with someone after you get their phone number, but before you go on a date. It may or may not work out depending on what they say and how they act on the phone, but it can be fun to explore what a new person has to offer. Because of the way online dating works many people are tempted to dive in right away and ask for a date or a phone number just based on the profile - but I always like to e-mail back and forth a few times before diving in and going on a date.
Finally you may go on a date with that special someone and this is where you really start finding out if the object of your online affection is legit or not. The example I always like to use actually didn't happen in Alaska, but rather in Texas. I had met a women online and we were having a good time dating when she invited me over to her house for some good grilling and a movie. She also introduced me to her son, her son that wasn't mentioned on her profile or previous dates. I don't have anything against single mothers and I wouldn't rule out dating a single mom depending on the woman and the situation, but the total surprise - trap if you will - of the situation definitely was a turn-off. You might find out that the person you wanted to possibly start something special with really wanted more of a meaningful one night relationship.
Here are some websites I'm familiar with myself or through friends.
1.) e-Harmony - if you're looking for something more serious and right away I would go here. I'm not sure if the "29 Dimensions" thing works or not, but that's the expectation of many of the people on this site. Not that it exactly reeks of desperation, but you might find some people that are very ready to get married on this site. However, I do like the guided communication process and the way the questions are asked on e-Harmony. You really do get to know people a bit better before even getting to the point to where you e-mail openly with one another.
2.) Match - Match for me was a meat-market pure and simple. There was at least three times when I thought I was going to meet someone "special" on Match that ended up only being very physical relationships without much depth.
3.) Lavalife - I'm not on there, but I had a friend that was and I checked it out for this blog posting - it's probably the most flexible dating site out there with three sites in one - one for dating, one for relationships, and one for "intimate encounters." The only problem is that there are very few Alaskans on lavalife and my friend tells me there are a ton of fake profiles on the site - these fake people will send you form e-mails directing you to a quasi-porn site asking for your credit-card number.
4.) Yahoo Personals - I don't have a lot of experience with Yahoo Personals, but there seems to be lots of people on there and some pretty good options.
In any case online dating can be a very positive experience and a way to help people out that want to date, but have trouble meeting people in more traditional arenas. Just do your homework, be careful, be honest, and have fun!
Until next time here's to Al Gore - inventor of the internet and online dating!
AirForceKush - aka - The Arctic Fox
PS - My roommate just jokingly put in a request based on his quote in this piece that I have no taste in men - so, to clear any confusion, my roommate is the most heterosexual person I know - he likes the ladies...a lot...and he has great taste in men, but not in that way...ok, end of story!
That being said I thought I would switch subjects and get to posting about online dating. If you google online dating you'll find I'm not the first to write about this subject and I probably won't be the last, but I thought I would give a little perspective to my experience, not just in Anchorage, with online dating.
I've found online dating almost to be like a Seinfeld episode - by that I mean there are all sorts of little quirks and rules in this world that people that aren't online probably may not really know about, but end up being kind of funny.
The first of these get right down to the very first thing people notice on your profile (because we can all be a little shallow sometimes) - your picture. Usually people are fairly accurate with their pictures - I mean, we all like to put our best foot forward so people tend to put their more flattering pictures up, but most of the time I can actually ID someone I've made a date with online and I'm not...disappointed. Despite all of that, however, do keep in mind there is room for standard variations in both what your pictures make you look like and what people perceive you looking like and it all depends on a variety of factors. For instance, I've been described as the following four things by friends and enemies alike:
Yep, some people think I kind of look like Matt Damon, other people say I look like a monkey, some say Ron Perlman, and yet others think I kind of look like a penguin (in both a good and a bad way).
Now, with that being said there was at least one time where there was blatant "false advertising" on one of my adventures in online dating.
To caveat this I just want to say that I'm really not that picky when it comes to women (my roommate can attest to that) and how they look. There has to be chemistry of course and I would say I've dated girls of all shapes, looks, and, ahem, sizes. Some of the best women I know will never be found on the cover of Maxim, but look great and are just great people in general. Besides, I would much rather date them than some size zero bar woman with no personality. So really the message is just to put yourself out there as you are and have fun, putting false pictures of yourself (for example, you've gained/lost 200 pounds, lost an eye, or shaved your head) will just show that you're dishonest and insecure to whoever you're trying to date.
To put it bluntly there's a difference between this:
and this...
Or, for that matter this...
and this...
(As a sidebar, my roommate is disagreeing with my choice for George Clooney as my example of an attractive guy - as he says, "You have no taste in men...")
So, once you get past the ever important picture (which, talking to some women I know that are online daters is sometimes the only thing that some men and some women look at) some people might actually read your profile and make their dating choice based on what you write about yourself and maybe even how you write it.
Here are some things I look out for when reading profiles (not necessarily in priority order)...
1.) Grammar - I know, it's kind of anal, but I would like to have my date have the requisite intelligence to form a coherent sentence correctly. I'm not going to judge anyone on the incorrect use of an adverb or anything, but just take some time and do at least one proofreading of the stuff you're putting out there.
For example, this...
"Hi, I'm ___________ and I'm just looking for a nice guy. I'm really tired of the bar scene here in Anchorage and all the losers that try and hit on me downtown. At the end of the day I want a nice, stable man who knows how to take care of a woman and shares some of my interests - hiking, dogs, reading, biking, cooking, and dancing."
is better than this...
"Waasup! I'm _____________ and you know, I just bee chillin on here trying to find me a GOOD MAN! All deez lil bitches up here dont now hows to take care of a REAL WOMAN like I. So, if ur hot, not a loser, adn wanna have some FUN hit me up and well see if I like you to."
2.) Outlook and statements on their profile - as you can probably gather I've been scarred and I'm scared by the women of Anchorage. Despite all of that I still have a sunny outlook when it comes to dating - I'm still confident that I might find a special someone in this town and while I might go into my dates a bit more wary - I'm still open to letting myself fall in with another person. Not everyone shares this sunny outlook, however. Also, there are differences in what people are looking for - some are just dipping their toe in the pool of online dating, and some are taking the high dive into the deep end. And I'm a believer that you can gauge a lot of things by just reading someone's statement and really analyzing it. For example, if a person says they're an introvert just looking for a nice person and all their pictures are of them doing body shots, dancing on bars, and other crazy stuff they may not be telling you the truth.
3.) Activity Level - many sites allow you to see if someone has been active in the last day, 3 days, week, month, etc. Combined with some other observations derived from a person's profile there's a chance you can tell their interest level in you, other people, and other things.
There are a whole host of other things you might be able to gather from specific websites based on options they offer and questions they ask, but picture, grammar, statements on the profile, and activity level can tell you a lot of things about a person.
Once you get past the profiles you might start talking with someone (or they start talking with you if you share my policy of not putting yourself too far out there online). E-mailing back and forth I would say is the equivalent of talking on the phone with someone after you get their phone number, but before you go on a date. It may or may not work out depending on what they say and how they act on the phone, but it can be fun to explore what a new person has to offer. Because of the way online dating works many people are tempted to dive in right away and ask for a date or a phone number just based on the profile - but I always like to e-mail back and forth a few times before diving in and going on a date.
Finally you may go on a date with that special someone and this is where you really start finding out if the object of your online affection is legit or not. The example I always like to use actually didn't happen in Alaska, but rather in Texas. I had met a women online and we were having a good time dating when she invited me over to her house for some good grilling and a movie. She also introduced me to her son, her son that wasn't mentioned on her profile or previous dates. I don't have anything against single mothers and I wouldn't rule out dating a single mom depending on the woman and the situation, but the total surprise - trap if you will - of the situation definitely was a turn-off. You might find out that the person you wanted to possibly start something special with really wanted more of a meaningful one night relationship.
Here are some websites I'm familiar with myself or through friends.
1.) e-Harmony - if you're looking for something more serious and right away I would go here. I'm not sure if the "29 Dimensions" thing works or not, but that's the expectation of many of the people on this site. Not that it exactly reeks of desperation, but you might find some people that are very ready to get married on this site. However, I do like the guided communication process and the way the questions are asked on e-Harmony. You really do get to know people a bit better before even getting to the point to where you e-mail openly with one another.
2.) Match - Match for me was a meat-market pure and simple. There was at least three times when I thought I was going to meet someone "special" on Match that ended up only being very physical relationships without much depth.
3.) Lavalife - I'm not on there, but I had a friend that was and I checked it out for this blog posting - it's probably the most flexible dating site out there with three sites in one - one for dating, one for relationships, and one for "intimate encounters." The only problem is that there are very few Alaskans on lavalife and my friend tells me there are a ton of fake profiles on the site - these fake people will send you form e-mails directing you to a quasi-porn site asking for your credit-card number.
4.) Yahoo Personals - I don't have a lot of experience with Yahoo Personals, but there seems to be lots of people on there and some pretty good options.
In any case online dating can be a very positive experience and a way to help people out that want to date, but have trouble meeting people in more traditional arenas. Just do your homework, be careful, be honest, and have fun!
Until next time here's to Al Gore - inventor of the internet and online dating!
AirForceKush - aka - The Arctic Fox
PS - My roommate just jokingly put in a request based on his quote in this piece that I have no taste in men - so, to clear any confusion, my roommate is the most heterosexual person I know - he likes the ladies...a lot...and he has great taste in men, but not in that way...ok, end of story!
Your roommate OBVIOUSLY has no taste. ;) That picture of Clooney is HOT - you probably picked the best one I have seen of him in years. I saved it to my own computer for future ogling.