Wasilla Susie's Not So Wild Ride...
First of all, thanks for all the good comments both on and offline about the first entry - rest assured the experience went from sad to a funny work story (and later this blog) in about a day so I'm not exactly slitting my wrists as I make this next post...
That being said I thought I would change gears a lot and write about another woman I've dated recently - Wasilla Susie.
Now, to be upfront Wasilla Susie is a very nice woman and I think what ended this thing was more miscommunication and timing than anything else - but the story should raise some good discussion on DTR situations - "define the relationship."
Well, enough exposition - let's get to the meat and potatoes of what happened...
I met Wasilla Susie online - gasp! Yes, I'm an online dater. I have a few rules - no sex websites, avoid talking to women out of desperation (this is a general rule - it's not fair to the woman if you wouldn't normally talk to her for whatever reason - online or no), and maybe this is a bit conceited, but try to avoid reaching out to women at all online. I know, I know - you gotta put yourself out there, but I just feel awkward getting out there too much, but this was not a concern with Wasilla Susie - when she came on the specific site I thought to myself - "man, I hope she e-mails me!" Luckily, she did and we were off.
The e-mails went back and forth furiously for about a week - I'm a big e-mail junkie so we were e-mailing a lot. Now, despite your opinion of the blog and my writing skills this particular woman thought I wrote pretty well. To be honest with some of the stories about male behavior on dating sites I guess forming a coherent sentence that doesn't have to do with sex might qualify me as a good writer, but I digress.
--- Ok, at this point I guess I have to put it on the to-do list to do a post on online dating...keep me honest!
We finally got to the point where we were talking on the phone and soon after we were off on a date. We went to the Bear's Tooth and there was immediate chemistry during our movie/meal (for those of you not in Anchorage the Bear's Tooth is a movie theatre where you either get a booth and a table or just a seat with a table in front of you and you can eat a good meal during the movie - Kansas City is the only other place I've seen with a setup like this so I happen to think it's pretty unique). Now, when I say chemistry I don't mean heavy eye contact - her hand was placed firmly on my upper thigh for some of the movie, there was some pretty good kissing, and since we were in a booth there was some good cuddling. Despite all of that, however, we weren't sitting in a booth making out like freshman - it strode the line between dirty and exciting and chaste and I was feeling pretty good. I'll be quite honest here, I was thanking God in my prayers for such a nice date (there's another posting behind that statement, but we'll get into that another time).
The second date was equally good except for the fact I was called away to work. This, however, even worked in my favor. Since I really liked the girl I pulled out my money move and cooked a gourmet meal for her. I was raised pretty well by the females in my family - they were of another generation and thereby didn't want to raise a subsequent generation of men who couldn't cook, do laundry, or any other domestic chores a person needs to learn in life. Since I was called away to work, however, I had to cook in uniform - so not only was I a man in uniform, but I was treating her. A third date was in the bag...
The next date didn't slow things down. We had a nice dinner for the third date and I started to get what I call "checkride" questions - what exactly did I mean on my profile when I said I wasn't sure about kids, where do I see myself in the future, what are some policies (my word not hers) on committed relationships, etc, etc... I thought I was on the road to nice girlfriend land.
For the fourth date I went to her grandmother's birthday dinner - just Wasilla Susie, her father, her grandmother, and me! Around the same time I was coming up on a trip overseas for the Air Force for a few weeks and I wasn't sure how I felt about another guy possibly moving in and I didn't want there to be any confusion should I meet a nice woman on my temporary duty - if there was any question I would err on the side of caution, but I wanted that sense of stability before I got on that flight. So, I thought the fourth date - meeting her dad and other family - might be a good time to bring up where this thing was headed. The response wasn't as I expected - "slow, I want to take things real slow, it's my new thing." I suspect I might have been the victim of another guy treating her wrong in a relationship that got off to a fast start...I think I should "thank" all the jerks out there that make it tough for a guy like me! However, I maybe I really should thank them - I've been told I've been much appreciated by some members of the fairer sex for not being a douchebag.
So we went on a couple more dates, but they had a decidedly different tenor. She seemed worried any time the conversation would even scrape the surface of anything past the next date or even if I suggested a time out that went past the boundaries of the "traditional" date and more into the realm of a more familiar relationship - going shopping for instance was a bit iffy - she kept making excuses for why she had other places to be before we got comfortable and settled in for the evening with one another. Meeting the roommate also took longer than usual.
All the while this trip was looming - what should I do? I'm obviously dating the woman, but it's not serious, exclusive or really anything special despite several dates, us being about a month in, and my meeting of the dad and grandma on a family outing. I was feeling strung along - the bottom line is that she was perfectly comfortable keeping her options open while having me take her out in the evenings and knowing there was always a guy there. So I did what an idiot would do - I brought the subject up again and got the immediate, "I think we're in different places" talk. About halfway through this conversation that would lead me again confused and strung along I realized a very important fact...
...if a woman doesn't like you enough to settle for at least a nominal commitment (girlfriend, boyfriend - nothing too crazy here) than there's really no reason to be spending your time, money, effort, and feelings on something that probably won't turn out - it doesn't matter how nice the girl (in this case Wasilla Susie) is. It's not a failure on either side, just the lack of anything of substance to build on...
At the end of the day dating (especially in Anchorage) is a very fickle beast. It's much like catching lightening in a bottle. Had I caught Wasilla Susie six months from now or a year before she might have been in a different place to really give me a fair shake. If she had caught me a year ago I might not have given her a chance since I was moving all of the time and really didn't feel like having a serious girlfriend (but I certainly wouldn't have strung her along). In dating there's timing issues, chemistry issues, personality issues, life issues, outlook issues and they don't always match up and if they don't match up neither do you...
So my question for the peanut gallery, man or woman, is whether you've ever been on either side of this situation...if you've ever strung someone along to keep your options open or been strung along from a member of the opposite sex. I guess the sports nut in me is wondering what's worse - having an offense that is absolutely terrible and frustrating and never gets anywhere close to the goal line (my dating life circa 1998) or being able to continually get in the 'red zone' and never being able to score - not even a field goal (this story). Any comments on the latter metaphor would also be very welcome :)
Well, here's to a good offense - my advice is to not run the option to the short side of the field when you're in the red zone (ok, I have no idea what that means in terms of dating, but it sounds good because it's late and I worked 12 hours today).
AirForceKush - aka - The Arctic Fox...
That being said I thought I would change gears a lot and write about another woman I've dated recently - Wasilla Susie.
Now, to be upfront Wasilla Susie is a very nice woman and I think what ended this thing was more miscommunication and timing than anything else - but the story should raise some good discussion on DTR situations - "define the relationship."
Well, enough exposition - let's get to the meat and potatoes of what happened...
I met Wasilla Susie online - gasp! Yes, I'm an online dater. I have a few rules - no sex websites, avoid talking to women out of desperation (this is a general rule - it's not fair to the woman if you wouldn't normally talk to her for whatever reason - online or no), and maybe this is a bit conceited, but try to avoid reaching out to women at all online. I know, I know - you gotta put yourself out there, but I just feel awkward getting out there too much, but this was not a concern with Wasilla Susie - when she came on the specific site I thought to myself - "man, I hope she e-mails me!" Luckily, she did and we were off.
The e-mails went back and forth furiously for about a week - I'm a big e-mail junkie so we were e-mailing a lot. Now, despite your opinion of the blog and my writing skills this particular woman thought I wrote pretty well. To be honest with some of the stories about male behavior on dating sites I guess forming a coherent sentence that doesn't have to do with sex might qualify me as a good writer, but I digress.
--- Ok, at this point I guess I have to put it on the to-do list to do a post on online dating...keep me honest!
We finally got to the point where we were talking on the phone and soon after we were off on a date. We went to the Bear's Tooth and there was immediate chemistry during our movie/meal (for those of you not in Anchorage the Bear's Tooth is a movie theatre where you either get a booth and a table or just a seat with a table in front of you and you can eat a good meal during the movie - Kansas City is the only other place I've seen with a setup like this so I happen to think it's pretty unique). Now, when I say chemistry I don't mean heavy eye contact - her hand was placed firmly on my upper thigh for some of the movie, there was some pretty good kissing, and since we were in a booth there was some good cuddling. Despite all of that, however, we weren't sitting in a booth making out like freshman - it strode the line between dirty and exciting and chaste and I was feeling pretty good. I'll be quite honest here, I was thanking God in my prayers for such a nice date (there's another posting behind that statement, but we'll get into that another time).
The second date was equally good except for the fact I was called away to work. This, however, even worked in my favor. Since I really liked the girl I pulled out my money move and cooked a gourmet meal for her. I was raised pretty well by the females in my family - they were of another generation and thereby didn't want to raise a subsequent generation of men who couldn't cook, do laundry, or any other domestic chores a person needs to learn in life. Since I was called away to work, however, I had to cook in uniform - so not only was I a man in uniform, but I was treating her. A third date was in the bag...
The next date didn't slow things down. We had a nice dinner for the third date and I started to get what I call "checkride" questions - what exactly did I mean on my profile when I said I wasn't sure about kids, where do I see myself in the future, what are some policies (my word not hers) on committed relationships, etc, etc... I thought I was on the road to nice girlfriend land.
For the fourth date I went to her grandmother's birthday dinner - just Wasilla Susie, her father, her grandmother, and me! Around the same time I was coming up on a trip overseas for the Air Force for a few weeks and I wasn't sure how I felt about another guy possibly moving in and I didn't want there to be any confusion should I meet a nice woman on my temporary duty - if there was any question I would err on the side of caution, but I wanted that sense of stability before I got on that flight. So, I thought the fourth date - meeting her dad and other family - might be a good time to bring up where this thing was headed. The response wasn't as I expected - "slow, I want to take things real slow, it's my new thing." I suspect I might have been the victim of another guy treating her wrong in a relationship that got off to a fast start...I think I should "thank" all the jerks out there that make it tough for a guy like me! However, I maybe I really should thank them - I've been told I've been much appreciated by some members of the fairer sex for not being a douchebag.
So we went on a couple more dates, but they had a decidedly different tenor. She seemed worried any time the conversation would even scrape the surface of anything past the next date or even if I suggested a time out that went past the boundaries of the "traditional" date and more into the realm of a more familiar relationship - going shopping for instance was a bit iffy - she kept making excuses for why she had other places to be before we got comfortable and settled in for the evening with one another. Meeting the roommate also took longer than usual.
All the while this trip was looming - what should I do? I'm obviously dating the woman, but it's not serious, exclusive or really anything special despite several dates, us being about a month in, and my meeting of the dad and grandma on a family outing. I was feeling strung along - the bottom line is that she was perfectly comfortable keeping her options open while having me take her out in the evenings and knowing there was always a guy there. So I did what an idiot would do - I brought the subject up again and got the immediate, "I think we're in different places" talk. About halfway through this conversation that would lead me again confused and strung along I realized a very important fact...
...if a woman doesn't like you enough to settle for at least a nominal commitment (girlfriend, boyfriend - nothing too crazy here) than there's really no reason to be spending your time, money, effort, and feelings on something that probably won't turn out - it doesn't matter how nice the girl (in this case Wasilla Susie) is. It's not a failure on either side, just the lack of anything of substance to build on...
At the end of the day dating (especially in Anchorage) is a very fickle beast. It's much like catching lightening in a bottle. Had I caught Wasilla Susie six months from now or a year before she might have been in a different place to really give me a fair shake. If she had caught me a year ago I might not have given her a chance since I was moving all of the time and really didn't feel like having a serious girlfriend (but I certainly wouldn't have strung her along). In dating there's timing issues, chemistry issues, personality issues, life issues, outlook issues and they don't always match up and if they don't match up neither do you...
So my question for the peanut gallery, man or woman, is whether you've ever been on either side of this situation...if you've ever strung someone along to keep your options open or been strung along from a member of the opposite sex. I guess the sports nut in me is wondering what's worse - having an offense that is absolutely terrible and frustrating and never gets anywhere close to the goal line (my dating life circa 1998) or being able to continually get in the 'red zone' and never being able to score - not even a field goal (this story). Any comments on the latter metaphor would also be very welcome :)
Well, here's to a good offense - my advice is to not run the option to the short side of the field when you're in the red zone (ok, I have no idea what that means in terms of dating, but it sounds good because it's late and I worked 12 hours today).
AirForceKush - aka - The Arctic Fox...
I feel like I failed you in the meal planning stages. Maybe next time I should try harder to hook you up with a really special menu or you could bring me on as your sous chef... yeah, try explaining that one to a new date.
Reading this, I'm wondering if I ever did this whole stringing someone along thing. Looking back at a specific case in my past, I'm also wondering how much selective hearing plays into things. Was I stringing him along or was he just not listening to me when I told him I wasn't his girlfriend? Maybe a bit of both. Whatever.
You bring up an interesting point with timing, however. Is it something we use as an excuse when, as you said, we just don't like that person enough to make a basic commitment? I've certainly used timing as an excuse before. The whole "I just got out of a 15-month relationship and just want to be free for a while yada yada yada" thing has come out of my mouth before and probably sounds familiar to a lot of people. And yet you sure didn't hear that coming out of my mouth when I met my husband, even though I had to hold off dating him for a couple of weeks (really, just a formality, I was definitely emotionally involved with him before I dumped the other dude, just not physically involved) so I could end the 15-month relationship I was in at the time. I guess I just liked him enough...
Dude. I'm rambling. 12 hour shifts are a bitch.
Yeah, I see the point - and we did have that "slow, real slow moment." (Which I did listen to) I think sometimes when you meet a nice person and especially when you have some chemistry it's real easy to root for a relationship to work even though it might not be the best fit. She might have been wanting it to work because I was a good guy, but she might have not liked me enough to jump in all the way (so to speak) and so I fell in that weird middle area I described in the post.
In any case I think I'm astute enough to recognize the situations where women have the big "f-you" tattooed on their forehead and generally quit after that - the "I am not your girlfriend talk" is a much stronger and different sign than, "let's just go at this glacial pace."
Chemistry is a bitch that way. There aren't many things that are better at totally blocking out other things in a situation!
Hey Kush. I like the blog so far!
I really have to agree timing is truly everything in the relationship and you just gotta shrug it off and figure it wasn't meant to be. of course, it's always easier to say that once you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, harder to swallow that "meant to be" crap when you're single.
In my own experience, it's easy to spot the guys who were ready for a girlfriend from those who weren't. But I also know that's because guys are very straightforward and usually no nonsense (I think living with boys has also helped me figure guys out pretty well).
Girls can be a lot harder to figure out...and unfortunately a good number of them don't know what they want...but they DO love attention. It seems that you are getting better at spotting the ones who aren't girlfriend material..and don't waste your time on those not being upfront and straight up with you. I hope a hottie comes your way soon!!
We should all compile our experiences up here into one book, "Alaska Girls Are F*$&ing Nuts"